Hagar

I got a few hours of fitful sleep on Tuesday night. 

While sitting at the dinner table, my sick two-year-old had a glazed look over his eyes. And we discovered his fever had shot up almost instantly. 

Kris and I felt helpless as we gave him medicine and forced him to take sips of pedialyte- waiting for the fever to subside. 

This was the same kind of helplessness Hagar had in the desert. 

"… for she thought, ‘I cannot watch the boy die.’ And as she sat there, she began to sob.” (Gen 21:16)

In this story, Hagar was being forced from her home because of the jealousy of another woman. She, someone with no status and few supplies, was turned away to watch her son die from dehydration. She had a lack of control in her desperate situation. 

And, all other encounters we have had with Hagar proved her to be a fierce and competent woman. This is shown in Gen. 16, where she was being mistreated by Sarai, and so she’d made an attempt to leave this environment- claiming her worth and capturing the notice of God in the process. 

But, even the most strong and competent of us still find ourselves in situations of helplessness. And, for me, in times of helplessness, I’ve allowed shame to tell my story. 

I can blame myself for not noticing my son’s fever at 101- for allowing it to climb. I can perceive my husband’s diligence in taking action, as being suspicious of my skills as a mother.  

And while this particular story matches Hagar’s helplessness and sense of shame so well, it isn’t just parenting scares that can cause shame to tell my story. 

Helplessness occurs in ministry work. It occurs when I fail, and then translate that failure as anything other than learning. It happens when I feel overwhelmed by the need and brokenness of the world. It happens when I forget that God is listening to my cries, my son’s cries, and the cries of my community. 

God doesn’t need me to be God. God doesn’t need me to always be strong and fierce and competent. Sometimes the only thing God is asking, is that I focus on what is around me. 

Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.

In this new year, I have been trying to make big prayers, and reasonable, honest responsibilities. I believe that God is listening, and that God has given me gifts to affect my sphere of influence. God has called me to act in my community, and not allow helplessness or shame to render me passive. 

I may not be saving the world in a rocking chair at 2AM, holding a cold compress to a toddler’s forehead. But maybe 2AM on a Tuesday isn’t my time to save the world. Maybe it is my time to save one little life. And maybe that’s just as important.

May we all have our eyes open to the beautiful ways God would have us contribute for our good and for the good of others.