Sarah

You know that feeling when you’re laughing so hard, that you can’t even breath? Like that ear-piercing, stomach-cramping, eyes-watering kind of laughter? 

THAT is my favorite feeling. 

I have always really loved to laugh and to make others laugh. I have so many beautiful memories marked by the moments of uncontrollable laughter that I have shared with others. In moments where my laughter comes from an honest place, a place of overflowing joy, I have felt so seen and connected to others.

 Laughter can feel so right and so good. 

But I have found that even behind my laughter - as good and right and connective as it can feel - shame can hide. In moments when my laughter is used as a mask, I have felt so invisible and alone. Even behind my smiles and my jokes and my banter, shame has convinced me of lies about myself and about my worth. 

Sarah’s laughter made me realize something about shame: Laughter can be a great hiding place for shame because shame likes to hide in places that others won’t find it.

Genesis 18:10-15 (CEB)

Sarah was listening at the tent door behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were both very old. Sarah was no longer menstruating. So Sarah laughed to herself, thinking, I’m no longer able to have children and my husband’s old.

The Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Me give birth? At my age?’ Is anything too difficult for the Lord? When I return to you about this time next year, Sarah will have a son.”

Sarah lied and said, “I didn’t laugh,” because she was frightened.

But he said, “No, you laughed.”

You see, God had promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son, and that this son would give Abraham more descendants than could be counted. This son was supposed to make Abraham the father to many great nations. However, Abraham and Sarah were not only very old, but Sarah had not been capable of having children her whole life. So, after years of waiting on God to fulfill his promise, when God continued to insist to Abraham that Sarah will become pregnant, at the ripe age of 90 years old, Sarah did what any of us would have done: Sarah laughed.

On the surface, it seems Sarah is laughing because this situation is pretty hilarious. God’s decision to build a great nation through the lineage of an old, infertile woman, does seem comical. 

But I wonder what was behind Sarah’s laughter. I wonder what kind of shame she was experiencing at that moment. In a culture where women’s value was determined by their ability to take care of men and to have babies, a woman who is incapable of having children was seen as worthless. Not only was Sarah likely experiencing this cultural pressure, but also how much additional pressure she must have been feeling to be the fulfillment of God’s promise to Abraham. 

I imagine that Sarah was not only struggling with shame for her inability to bear children and for her inability to fulfill God’s promise, but also because through all of this, she was probably having doubts about God’s ability to fulfil his promise to them. 

Behind Sarah’s laughter hides her shame, her insecurities, her anger, her sadness, her fears. But I also imagine that no one saw this through Sarah’s laughter, because smiles and pleasantries make for a great hiding place.

But then there is God. God sees through Sarah’s laughter, because God sees us in ways that others cannot. Where others may not have seen Sarah’s shame and hurt, God did.

I see myself in Sarah’s story.

I have made quite a habit of using my laughter, smiles, and optimism, as a hiding place for all the lies that I have believed about my unworthiness of love and connection. Hiding behind my “self-aware” (but really just self-deprecating) humor, shame and self-doubt and fear has often convinced me that I don’t deserve to be seen and loved for who I am.

In moments when I make mistakes, or moments when I am not meeting the standards of those around me, shame tells me that I am the things that I feel. For example, I feel like a failure, therefore, I am a failure, or I feel embarrassed, therefore, I am an embarrassment. But shame proceeds to convince me that I need to hide the fact that I feel this way behind a facade that says, 

I am good. I am happy. I am fine.

But why do we keep trying to hide our shame, our doubts, and our disappointments behind our laughter? Because God sees through the facade. And even more, God invites us to let ourselves be seen by others.

God did not want Sarah to stop laughing. God wanted Sarah to be honest about the reason behind her laughter. I think God wanted Sarah to invite others alongside her, through her laughter. Perhaps a step to undoing the lies of shame, is to let our shame and doubts be known and to invite others to laugh with us. Because when we invite others alongside us, the laughter does not come from our hiding, the laughter comes from healing and solidarity. And how will we ever experience authentic connection, if we do not allow others to see us for who we are?

Genesis 21:6-7 (CEB)

Sarah said, “God has given me laughter. Everyone who hears about it will laugh with me.” She said, “Who could have told Abraham that Sarah would nurse sons? But now I’ve given birth to a son when he was old!”

Perhaps a step to undoing shame is to notice the things we are hiding behind, whether our happiness, our accomplishments, our humor, our toughness.

And once we have found our hiding places, may we let those places be seen and known by others. Because I believe that when we invite others to see us for who we are, those hiding places will become places for empathy, connection, and solidarity to flourish.