love looks

I found love this year. The butterflies in my stomach made me burn inside. Everything was loud- every thought, every feeling pounded in my body. It looked like,

It looked like playing cards at the Flamingo. Love looked like running through downtown at 1AM, filling the silent streets with laughter and twirls. Love looked like sharing secret spaces, and holding each other there. Love looked like jumping off roofs, and drinking down shots. Love looked like not wanting to sleep, not wanting to miss a single moment so you ask the other, “what are you thinking about now?” over, and over. Love looked like no one else was in the room, and you didn’t care who felt bad about it. Love looked like using lunch breaks for a snuggle. Love looked like sending music, and cheesy gifs. Love looked like, “i miss you” texts when it’d only been a day. Love looked like going to a concert you didn’t care about, to a city you didn’t care about, just for those shared hours on the way there. Love looked like laying on the beach, staring at the moon, with only our bodies to keep each other warm. 

Love was fast. Love came fast, Love left fast.

And everything went still.

And in the stillness, I caught up with myself.

And in the stillness, I remembered the Love that had always been there,

It feels different-

It feels, cool

It sounds, soft

It looks-

It looks like slow showers, thanking each part of skin I touch. Love looks like a sticky note on my mirror, “I am so freaking proud of you,”. Love looks like ended relationships. Love looks like deleted accounts. Love looks like blocked numbers. Love looks like a heavy backpack of books telling me what Love looks like. Love looks like incense, and vibrational music, and tarot cards. Love looks like laying on my bedroom floor, arms wrapped tightly around my body, sobbing, “I’m sorry”. Love looks like vitamins, and early nights. Love looks like bringing fresh bread to my mom, and leaving if she mentions my weight. Love looks like a journal of letters, to my eleven-year old self “you are enough,”. Love looks like sunrises. Love looks like windows down, music blared, hands out, smile wide. Love looks like being loud, even if you’re the only one. Love looks like saying, “no”, saying, “I can’t,” saying, “could you remake this coffee?”  while awkwardly avoiding eye contact with the new guy who just made your coffee. Love looks like hell if you like me. Love looks like hell I like me. Love looks like choosing safe, and if I choose wrong, then Love looks like not staying.

Love looked fast. 

Love looks slow.

I needed Love fast,

to know,

I like Love slow.

Love looks like having what you like.