Shame ReImagined: How Faith Brought Us Here
There are 2 chapters of the Bible which precede the feeling of shame. The final verse in Genesis 2 says ‘Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.’. Then, less than ten verses later, Adam and Eve are covering themselves with leaves because they ‘realized they were naked’. Shame entered the world alongside “the fall”. It is, arguably, our oldest negative emotion. It is the root of our pain and suffering. It is a deep root that runs back to the beginning of our existence - well, almost the beginning. You see, there are two chapters and five verses before Adam and Eve feast on the fruit and cover themselves with fig leaves, and those chapters and verses matter. They show that God did not intend for us to feel shame, they show that shame was not meant to be part of our relationship with God, so why is it that we all have so much shame bound to our religious beliefs and every other part of our existence?
I think the simple answer is social control. People, institutions, and the Church realized that shame is a powerful tool for getting people to do what they want. It is a great motivator and mobilizer. It keeps people in line and in check with the agenda of those in power. And, while we may feel shame about x-thing, we feel even more shame about being ashamed, so we don't talk about it. We don’t tell others of our shame for fear of ridicule, and so we feel even more alone in our shame, and then become a part of a cycle of self-shaming that only furthers shame in society at large. But what would happen if we talked about our shames openly? What if we were honest and vulnerable about what we feel are our “weak points”? Would we then feel less alone? Would there then be less of a stigma around shame? Would we then be more free and able to mobilize and motivate ourselves in a positive way to speak out against those in power and to bring about positive change in the world? I think so. I think that there is power in being honest about our shame, and that honesty can be a powerful mechanism of social change.
That’s why we’re doing this series Shame ReImagined. We’re going to talk about our shame and hope that you’ll talk back. Our hope is that by engaging honestly with one another that we can - even in some small way - destigmatize shame and lessen its control in our lives, in our communities, and in the world at large. So, we invite you to submit your poems, videos, drawings, paintings, graphic designs, songs, or other creative mediums to Aziza (who also provided her lovely voice for the audio recording of the poem below) at ewc@campustocity.org. We’ll then share them right here, on Studio Wesley. You can be anonymous or be named, that choice is entirely up to you, we just want you to know that you are not alone and we hope you’ll let others know that too.
We’re kicking this series off with a poem about faith. It’s a poem about the shame of deconstruction. It’s about what leaving a church looks like. It’s about what reconstruction feels like at times. It’s about the shame of transforming your faith into something you were told it could never be.
- Sara
You aren’t them.
But what if I am?
What if their words are mine,
For did not they teach me to speak?
Did not they tell me the names of all the things?
Did they not show me how to love,
How to think,
And how to be?
You aren’t them.
But did we not sit in the same pews?
Did we not cry on the same altar?
Did we not worship at the feet of the same God?
How did they turn out so sure,
And I so not?
You aren’t them.
Oh, but I was.
I sang their songs, went on their trips, and raised my hands alongside them.
I was devout,
Unsure, but devout.
Sunday, Wednesday, and every day in between I was for them.
Like a soldier preparing for war, I dared not step out of line.
You aren’t them.
But what if I’m supposed to be?
What if they’re right?
What if I am the wolf in sheep’s clothing I was told to watch for?
What if I am losing all of this to only have to repent later?
What if I am truly damned now?
You aren’t them.
But then who am I?
Who am I outside of a sanctified, soul-bought child of God?
Who am I if not a sinner saved by grace?
What am I if not originally sinful?
What if I was good - perfect from moment one?
You aren’t them.
But they are all I’ve known.
Being a part of them is all I’ve ever known,
To be apart from them is so unknown.
Who am I without them?
Who are we if not us?
You aren’t them.
But now that I know, what do I do?
What will they do when they find out?
Will they make me stay?
Will they let me leave?
Will they let me stay?
Or will they make me leave?
You aren’t them.
But who am I now?
If I am not welcome there, am I welcome anywhere?
A place I once counted as home,
Now a crypt of my former life.
Where will I go?
What will I become?
Who am I,
And who will I be?
You aren’t them.
But I was.
I still carry pieces of them.
They will never truly be apart from me.
But who I am is different now.
My journey is uncharted and unknown, but that is okay.
I will find myself along the way.
I will find out what a life beyond those walls is like.
I will discover thoughts, ideas, and beliefs for myself.
I will see the world through different eyes than the ones they gave me.
No, I am not them -
I am me.