Is My Trauma Part of My Identity?: Letters By Caleb Pt. 8

Is my trauma part of my identity? 

This is a question I have been struggling with ever since my diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I have had mental health problems since I was a toddler. The ‘me’ that deals with anxiety, depression, and PTSD is the only me I have ever known. The nightmares, aching feeling in my back, and the constant awareness of people around me are simply normal for me. 

This question is important to ask, and I would argue key to healing. Is there a worthwhile separation between me and my trauma? My first reflex is to say “no!” However, this might not be the most honest answer for me to give you. My trauma, as stated, has always been with me – at least as long as I can remember. 

The next answer to arrive at, then, would be “yes.” However, saying “yes” to this question and not elaborating is probably an oversimplification. My trauma has always been with me, but it is not my entire being. That said, my trauma is part of my existence as a person.

There might be a middle ground we can find. My trauma is not ever-present in my thoughts, but it is likely ever-present in my subconscious. This means that when I make plans, I can all-to-easily forget to account my trauma. For example, I might go on a date to a place that is packed with people. This bad for my mental health, needless to say. So, in a weird way, trying to not think of my trauma can make me think about it for a longer period of time at the end of the day.

I may sound like I’m rambling – that’s because I am.

I guess the only answer I can give for now is “I don’t know.”