Auditory Hallucinations: Letters By Caleb Pt. 6
Let me start this entry off with a very serious trigger warning. This blog posting is going to be heavier than the others. If I am going to be truly open with you all, I am going to have to delve into some very heavy topics. The origins of my trauma will be discussed here.
If you may be triggered by violence and/or then rape you might want to skip this entry.
In severe cases of trauma, it has been noted in scientific journals that auditory hallucinations can develop. An auditory hallucination is defined as any false hearing of an event. Until recently, hallucinations were believed to be symptoms exclusive to schizophrenia and its related diagnoses. In the studies surrounding the publication of the DSM-5 (the diagnosis tool for mental health conditions), it was found that individuals suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and its related diagnoses also suffered hallucinations – both visual and auditory.
I have a confession to make: I suffer from auditory hallucinations caused by my severe trauma. For a very long time, I thought I was just imagining it. I know that sounds confusing, imagining that I imagined something. What I mean is that I would have an auditory hallucination, and then tell myself that I really did hear something small from outside my sight – such as a bird hitting my window.
I know now I did not imagine imagining sounds. Everything I hear is something that I heard when I was given my trauma. These sounds are also more common when I am anxious. They are most common in the minutes after I awake from a PTSD nightmare.
I hear knocks on the door most often. After that, I hear doors opening. I hear loud bangs, like a distant gunshot. I hear my face being hit harder than it has ever been hit since.
This because of what gave me my trauma. I was beaten during a rape attempt on my mother when I was three years old. I answered the door to find a stranger there, and the next thing I saw was a knee trying its hardest to cave in my face. By the power of God it didn’t. My mother picked me up and we ran to the neighbor’s house. At some point in these events, there was a gun. I don’t know if the gun was fired.
This violent event is my earliest memory. This has caused some mental issues. Honestly, it would be worrisome if this event didn’t cause some kind of long-term mental impact.
My admittance of my auditory hallucinations to myself is recent. I only came to terms with it myself around last April. I only told my spouse last month. And now, I am telling you. For a long time, the societal implications of hearing or seeing things that do not exist kept me from admitting to myself the issue which I suffered. If I admitted to such issues, I would be admitting to being “crazy.”
Now, let me be clear here. People with schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder are not crazy. That is a stigma which we as a people have yet to shake. However, said stigma fed into my fears and I was unwilling to admit to myself that I did suffer from auditory hallucinations. I did not want to be “crazy.” I know now that I am not crazy, and also for the record I do not have schizophrenia or any related diseases; I have post-traumatic stress disorder.
I think there’s power in this admittance. I am deeply not O.K, and when I say this then I want people to know what I mean. If you are not O.K, then please know that you are not alone.