Nervous Notes: Week One

Confidence is a weird thing. I don't know if you were born brave, but the introvert inside of me never wants to be the center of attention. However, that doesn't mean I have nothing to say.

Before I get any farther into this series, I want you to know: You have value. Your voice deserves to be heard. Other people want to listen to you.

When I was little, I remember being absolutely petrified of anyone older than me. Subconsciously, I remember coming to my own conclusion that children were meant to be seen but not heard (something so false!), and I took it to heart. I also have a twin sister who, while also being an introvert, I could easily redirect unwanted attention to. There's something so blissful in being a blob devoid of personality. Contently quiet. It honestly makes life easy, not having to think so much.

Growing up, I think I mostly stayed that way until reading became easier than staying silent. My first glimpse of a personality!

Growing and becoming a person (at least for me) is a funny, cringe-worthy experience to remember. Here are a few of my highlights:

-I had an insatiable obsession with all things crochet and knitting (why did no one ask if I was gay!!!)

-I got 2nd place in my elementary school's reading contest (I'm still not over this one)

-I memorized all of Madonna's hit 2015 album Rebel Heart (If literally, anyone else listened to this album, I will cashapp you $5)

-I had a ridiculously unhealthy relationship with gender (we'll get to it)

-And I knew God loved me in 7th grade (I don't know if I could confidently say I loved God back yet then.. more on this later)

If it wasn't clear, I was definitely not the most extraordinary popular kid; I think I probably looked like a sad closeted kid who didn't know how to tame a Jewfro.

Discovering who I was going to be, who I wanted to be, and maybe more importantly, who I did not want to be is a process of growing up. I think God created all of us with divine intentions, and God has hopes and dreams for what our life is going to look like. What a beautiful thought God is dreaming about me and the direction my life is going.

I'm not going to share a specific story from the Bible today but, instead, share a thought about the book in its entirety. It makes my mind explode to think about every single person I know growing up. Every single iconic biblical character was -maybe- an anxious mess like myself.

Every single person I look up to as spiritual leaders had their hesitation- am I worthy of this influence? Why should people listen to me? I am embarrassed and don't know what I'm doing! What if everyone finds out about my obsession with Madonna's Rebel Heart?!

Working through these anxieties is a process everyone must go through, and if all you can squeeze out is a nervous note, that is enough.

God made us to be in relationships. If the idea of God (or anyone else) even thinking about you makes you feel anxious, a waste of space, a waste of mental energy, you are not. Period.

God has spent so much careful thought and love into creating the person you are today. Communities that can support and guide you into being the best person you can be are real! And available! People want to know you better! Period!

Thank God for you. Thank God for me. Thank God for the people we are going to be.

Amen.