Advent: Joy

Waiting is hard. But my soul has learned to do it. It’s learned to do it so well, that, it doesn’t actually know how to stop. I call myself, a perpetual waiter. And if you know anything about waiting, you know how absolutely uncomfortable it can be. The feeling of longing in the body, is restless, often painful, and somehow grows when left unfed. It is the monster of discontent. 

I have been discontent for a long while. 

I don’t like it.

But recently, very shortly ago, I found the hack to the game- the way to win. And it is simply to not play. Yup. Yeah, that’s it. The trick to waiting is to not do it. And, if you’re rolling your eyes, because I sound like those, “well, just don’t be sad, if you’re sad” folks, then I understand. But hear me out,

Discontentment comes from being attached to some reality, or expectation. It is clinging to an idea, believing that you cannot experience happiness, or security, or ultimately, that you cannot experience rest without the forthcoming of this thing. And, this thing may very well be, good. It may be important. And the practice of detachment, is not meant to take away the inherent value of a thing, or negate the validity of the pain of its absence. 

We want- and wait for important things. 

I have waited for test results, and reconciled relationships, and money in my account, and my depression to ease so that I could have enough energy to just take a freaking shower.

So when I say, do not wait, I say it as someone who has waited for important things. As someone who is familiar with grieving. And I’m not saying it’s easy, but I am saying it’s easier than you think. 

I believe the hardest step of surrender is the moment right before you do it. It is an act of raw faith, of moving into darkness with no certainty there will be foundation underneath your feet. 

When you do this, you tell the world that you do not need anything from it. You tell the world that you are strong, and resilient, and of buoyancy. That you come back to life, that you couldn’t die anyways. And surrender doesn’t mean you stop wanting, or that you stop working. Surrender means you accept your circumstances for what they are, while also being open to the reality that they will change. And this doesn't necessarily mean that they will change into the shape that you have hoped, but that they will change regardless. And that your peace is not in its change, anyways. But, rather, in something else.

For me, that something else is Love. It is believing in the pervasive Love that does not know how to not exist. This Love is the soil of the garden of life. All else are flowers. All else are weeds. Love remains untouched. And I cling to this, as I learn to let go of other. 

And here, in these moments, where I’ve managed to, against all odds, believe in something as pretty as Love. This is where I experience Joy. Because, to me, Joy is not a passing feeling. Joy is not a blip of bliss- it too, is the soil of the garden of life. It is the consequence of true waiting- surrender.

And, waiting is hard. But my soul learns to do it.