my ex says pt. 2

my ex says pt.2

And in this, we’ve denied our own relationship to self- it has become our ticket into the gates.

And in this, we’ve become our own reason for never really making into the gate, even with the invitation. Even though we’ve walked past the guards, and into the dining hall.

The only way we can experience the fullness of acceptance from the community, is to first experience it in ourselves. Sounds cheesy, but I think it’s true. The relationship we have with ourselves sets the precedent for the ones that follow. 

If I spend my life taunting and betraying my own self, for the sake of others. How could I possibly believe that others also won’t do the same to me? I can’t. So I continue to enter spaces performing. There is no rest. I performed to make it here, so I performed to stay. I don’t want to lose my space. I don’t want anyone to catch on that I’ve come under false pretenses. 

This is a tiresome path to follow.

I call it a path, because I believe we can walk elsewhere.

We’ll spend our lives walking there, sure. But the truth is, we’ll spend our lives walking anyways. So we may as well pick a route we’ll enjoy.

It starts with kindness. Honest kindness. Not the one you give to customers for a good tip. You’ll know when you’re lying. It’s you. Duh. And then the compliment won’t matter anyways, because you’re enforcing the idea that you are not to be trusted.

If it’s hard, start small.

“I like the way...I like the way you never race past yellow lights. It makes me feel safe when you do that.”

“I like this tattoo you picked out. It always makes me smile to look at it. You did a good job.”

You will appreciate the effort. Even though it will seem unimportant. Build on those moments, bit by bit.

Learn to be kind to yourself. And when you fail. You absolutely will. Be kind, even then.

In this path, you will find it to be sweeter, slower. 

You will find yourself to be sweeter, slower.

This finding is your ticket. And the way you make it into the gates, is the way you stay. And so, what a wonderful thing to enter community with an unraveling finding of the goodness of self.